Atheists and Agnostics Compendium

 

Humor

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
— George Bernard Shaw, playwright (1856-1950)

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.— George Carlin

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It may be that ministers really think that their prayers do good and it may be that frogs imagine that their croaking brings spring.
— Robert Green Ingersoll, "Which Way?" (1884)

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Is there an intelligent man or woman now in the world who believes in the Garden of Eden story? If you find any man who believes it, strike his forehead and you will hear an echo. Something is for rent.
— Robert Green Ingersoll, "Orthodoxy" (1884)

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At the University of Washington a chemistry professor added the following seemingly simple extra-credit question to the end of an exam.
“Using Boyle’s law, discuss whether Hell is exothermic or endothermic.”

[Boyle’s law states that a gas absorbs heat from the surroundings when it expands thus cooling the environment around it: and a gas gives off heat when it is compressed, thereby sending heat out. A reaction is exothermic when it gives off heat and endothermic when it absorbs heat. Now that that’s clear— here is the student's answer. Obviously he was of a philosophical and logical turn of mind.]

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will stay there. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are; we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, non-operative... leaving only Heaven… thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

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THE ANGEL IN THE ZOO by Dr. Rick Rickards
(To the tune of "There is a Tavern in the Town")
There is a tavern in the town, in the town
and there my true love sits him down
and drinks his wine as happy as can be
and never, never thinks of me
Fare thee well for I must leave thee
Do not let this parting grieve thee
The time has come for you and I to say goodby
Adeu adeu my friends adeu
I can no longer stay with you
I will hang my heart on a weeping willow tree
And may the world go well with thee.

Verse 2
I pro-mise that I will believe – will believe
In God - in Adam and in Eve -
In Santa Claus and Easter Bunny too...
When I see an Angel in the Zoo!
I have seen a hippopotamus -
A camel - a rhinoceros -
An elephant - a lion and a kan-ga-roo!
There are – lots of living things, living things,
But where’s the primate with the wings?
You can bless my soul and tell me what to do-
When I see an Angel in the Zoo!

Verse 3
I promise I will spread the word, spread the word
Once I have seen that Holy Bird -
I will spread the word to the Heathen and the Jew
When I see an Angel in the Zoo!
I will start an Inquisition
Send all sinners to perdition,
Where I hope they'll stew!
I promise I will say my prayers, say my prayers
And praise the Man that lives upstairs,
I'll indulge in lots of pious ballyhoo
When I see an Angel in the Zoo!

Verse 4
I’ll join the Church and rent a pew, rent a pew,
No longer drink, or smoke, or chew,
And know that Darwin simply can't be true!
When I see an Angel in the Zoo!
I promise I will never doubt,
And lead a life that is devout,
So I will take my place among the Cho-sen Few.
I'll get down upon my knees, upon my knees
And ask forgiveness if you please -
I will wash my brains and start my life anew
When I see an Angel in the Zoooooo!
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